The Bahamas. Tax haven for old British rock stars. Cruise line potty stop. Florida's first line of defense against hurricanes. Basketball powerhouse.
Hardy-har-har! OK, one of these things is not like the other. Gotta tell you, when God was handing out basketball players he royally boned this country. Fun example, in last night’s game here are the particulars for the two starting SGs:
Player 1: $3995 salary, 27400 DMI
Player 2: $89040 salary, 890400 DMI
So, can you guess which one is the Bahaman and which is the American? Bonus question: which poor sap shot 2-18 last night? No surprises…USA won 119-51. The measly 68 point margin didn’t even cover the spread, so I’ll be a bit low on funds for the week. Gotta remember to steal some toilet paper out the locker room when magiker isn’t looking.
Afterwards I cornered Bahaman SF Stephen Ainger for some hard-hitting questions:
fewmit: 48 minutes, 0 points. Is that a new record of futility or par for the course?
Ainger: The mighty nation of the Bahamas will no longer bear the insults directed against it.
fewmit: So, why didn’t you guys just stop scoring after halftime? Some folks needed the spread covered for food money. Selfish bastards.
Ainger: Our mighty nation has been secretly running nuclear facilities for many years now. We will no longer be a dumping ground for your fat retirees. One, just one, more needless insult from the American media and tomorrow Miami will lay in ashes.
fewmit: Is it true that the Bahaman national dish is the manatee?
Ainger: Ghaaarrr!!!
Woah. Say it, don’t spray it, buddy. What the hell is his problem? I figured it was time to move on to friendlier locker rooms. The kind with 2-ply. I found U21 scout and Jonathon Yi manager Smallfrie09 in conference just outside:
fewmit: Word is that you were shopping Yi to other teams while his value being on the U21 team is high. Any takers?
Smallfrie09: Well, not really. [leans closer] Honestly, the value for U21 players isn't as good as I suspected. Most folks are on to the fact that U21 players pretty much shoot their wad getting to the team by age 21, and have little to offer past that. But I have a plan B. What I'm gonna do is run for National Team coach at the end of the season. Once I'm in place, I'll put Yi on the National Team where his value will be greater, and sell him for an artificially inflated price.
fewmit: My God. That's Brilliant! Technically legal, yet morally ambiguous.
Smallfrie09: Shhh! The best thing is, if anyone bitches about it I'll have full deniability. I'll just stick him on the roster while calling up random players for updates in the database. And if Yi happens to be on the roster while up for sale and is sold under false pretenses, I can just say that it was a random, unplanned coincidence.
fewmit: Whoa. I cannot believe that no one's thought of this before...
Smallfrie09: Well, only the ambitious and greedy ever make it to the top, my friend.
There goes a true American capitalist. God bless him! For a further example of how Americans are superior to everyone else in every way tune in next Monday as USA takes on basketball powerhouse *snicker* the Dominican Republic.
Last edited by fewmit at 11/29/2011 3:36:46 PM
Group hug!