You know when you draw a VI division team in the cup and watch the game? At first I'm all excited by the ease of the game. Alley-oop. Score. From downtown. Boom. Repeat. But the thrill wears off after I'm up by, say 30. Then a strange thing happens....I start to feel bad for the other team. So I start to root for the other guys..."c'mooon Crappy Guy, you can lay it up. Oh. C'moooon Crappy Guy, you'll get it next time! Oh." You just want someone to break double digits so they don't feel so bad and have to come home to the wife, who's bitching about how disappointed she is with him and why the hell she married a guy who can't even make a f_______ layup, and how she's leaving him for a bench player in IV who pulls down an insane $6000 a week. Who wouldn't feel bad for Crappy Guy?
So, long story short, it only took me to the second quarter of last night’s U21 vs Dominican Republic to start rooting for the other team…”c’mooon Crappy Dominican! Oh.”. But my cheering didn’t seem to help and seemed unappreciated not only by my American brethren, but by the Dominicans. Fine, I’ll keep my damn enthusiasm to myself next time, but I’m pretty sure the 127-45 final margin would have been greater otherwise. The game ball went to PG Barney Mayer, who shamelessly ran up the score with a stat line of 22/6/9 with 2 steals and 3 blocks. Jerk.
I found a dejected looking Antonio Cisneros, Dominican SG, after the game:
fewmit: So, Crappy Guy, you did the best you could, eh? Nobody's questioning your effort tonight.
Cisneros: ¿qué?
fewmit: If you want I could talk to your wife. Convince her not to leave you after your Crappy Guy outing tonight.
Cisneros: ¿Estás hablando de mi esposa?
fewmit: Couldn’t you hear me cheering? Why didn’t it help?
Cisneros: Aléjate de mí Assmonkey…
Well. Time to talk to big cheese and get some answers to the tough questions:
fewmit: You don't have to run up the score so much. Couldn't you have some bad players at the end of the bench for blowouts like these? Why you gotta stick it to these poor, sad, untalented Dominicans?
magiker: Huh? You know, I don’t run this operation like the National Team does. I actually show up, come up with game plans, confer with my scouts, and try to play the best game we can. Not my fault Dominican kids would rather play baseball. I suppose you have some untalented hacks in mind?
fewmit:Well, that Anderson Adams guy, for one. That’s him up there in the stands. To your left. The one jumping up and down waving his arms.
magiker: Him? For Chrissake. Could you take your job seriously just once?
Take this seriously? I show up. I’m wearing pants. I’m not really sure what more he expects. Fine, one more interview and then I can get back plotting my escape from Mexico, more accurately called Arizona’s Armpit:
fewmit: So…you like basketball, eh?
Adams: Manager says I have a shot at the team!
fewmit: Look, Kid, I just talked to the coach and he shot Gatorade out of his nose when I mentioned your name.
Oriolekid: OK, magiker’s said he’s not putting Adams on the team. But I have a plan: We show up for every game, wait for 5 guys to foul out, and then guess who’ll be the most qualified American Lucky Fan in the arena? He’ll have to put Andy in! And then he’ll see how great Andy is, and he’ll beg forgiveness for not putting him on the roster in the first place, and it’ll be in public for everyone to see, and he’ll see how much smarter and more qualified I am than him, and then he’ll abdicate and appoint me U21 coach, and then we’ll win the America’s Tournament, and then I’ll lead the team to another world championship, and then I’ll…I’ll…I’ll…
fewmit: Hey, you should have that eye twitch checked. Weirding me the hell out.
Up next Monday, a Crappy Guy extravaganza as U21 destroys Peru. The only suspense of the game will be whether I wear pants or not.
Group hug!