The UTEP Miners organization was created with one goal in mind - winning. The UTEP Miners were an up and coming team with two young national team stars for their respective countries, and people ask, "What went wrong?" I'll tell you what went wrong. The endless cycle of obscurity.
For the past 8 seasons I've tried and I've tried to produce a forumula for success to at least make it to the DIII ranks. I had a model set out, a fool-proof equation to win and win fast. I had put that plan in motion, and it was working. The only problem was, aside from the constant binge drinking by players and manager, I got impatient. I saw the obstacles after advancing to DIV and panicked. I failed my intuition and threw away the plan and added 2+ seasons of obscurity to my already daunting task of winning. Rudolf "the Red-Haired Reindeer" Medvednikov, a young Israeli with an addiction to narcotics and a fondness for the bottle, put in effortless amounts of work to become a star in "the league". Except that league was only a measly DIV league in the United States. I saw no escape route and put him on the market. Sadness crept on the corners of the dust-ridden El Paso streets as drug cartels wept to their mothers when the number one customer was shipped off. The fans were sad too, I guess. Hookers got pretty pissed and threatened the front office several times. I loved Rudy.
I'm rambling, but nonetheless, the other young star a German with a big mouth and an even bigger disco stick. Don't ask me how I know, but the locals got several late night treats per numerous sources. All that guy ever did was pass the ball, he reminded me of a young Jesus Christ, and all he ever wanted to do on the court was heal, make sure people were getting wine, and assist others. He was the glue that held together the ego of the team. I put him on the internet for sale too and he was sent back to the Fatherland. I wept in my office for weeks before I realized I might have a chance to win again, but it would take a long time. I put my newly earned money to use and spent it on a bunch of foreigners who I just assumed might be good at basketball. I didn't have much else to convince them to play for my team except money and the benefits of being close to drug cartels. I mean, who really wants to come to El Paso, Texas to play professional basketball?
They played together, and they did alright. I invested in a Spanish stallion named Rafael, and honestly it was just a marketing move. I mean think about how sexy that last sentence sounded. "Spanish stallion named Rafael." Damn, gets my nads going. I thought he would help me put fannies in the seats, and he ended up being a pretty good player in what seemed to take like a year of training. Looking back it was a full year. That's way too long.
Now my Miners are in a decent position to maybe, possibly, promote to a DIII league. I don't really know how it happened, as I was so depressed by the upcoming obscurity that I put the Gold Mine on Craigslist and lived in the strip club for the next four months. I came back yesterday to my office and found out that I had a pretty surprising team. They played together, they worked together, they slept together. This team knew what it took to win, selflessness. Damn, I tear up a little just thinking that I had some part in all of this. But I also checked the budget and realized that I'm probably going to lose my whole team soon. The only way I'll have any chance of not having to shut it all down and relocate will be to promote to DIII and manage to climb out of that obscurity I've worked so hard for. Really, I've worked tremendously to get here. I can picture you smiling now but I'm not joking. Anyway, pray to Allah, Jesus of Nazareth, Ghandi, or anyone at all that I can keep my beloved Miners, avoid a truly ironic situation, and afford to bring strippers in the office on the daily. God bless you all, and God Bless America.