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My life this week has not been fun. After we were taken down by the French, everyone was a little upset. Except magiker. He was really upset. And me being the only intern, naturally he would take out all of his frustrations on me. Tuesday night after the loss, he bursts into my hotel room, bottle of Jack in one hand, baseball bat in the other and proceeds to beat me senseless because I “fraternized with the enemy.” I wake up the next morning in excruciating pain, but Jon Laurent, being too cheap to send me to the hospital, makes a splint for my broken arm out of popsicle sticks and wraps it in duct tape.

Me: This could very well be the US’s last week in the tourney. How are the staff and players holding up to this kind of pressure?

JL: How do you think maggot? I have those SOBs on the court 6 hours a day, not to mention the miles they have to run to work up their mamby-pamby muscles.

Me: They look pretty good to me…

JL: If they were pretty good, then we wouldn't have lost to the White Flag Warriors on Monday now would we?

Me: Well…

JL: I’m not done! No team that loses to a bunch of mustached mother-loving freaks from Biscuitville who couldn’t defend Fort Knox against an onslaught of middle school cheerleaders is good enough for me.

Me: Well, first of all, they're not biscuits, they're called...

JL: Shut your ungodly mouth before I send you over to the muffin factory for extra ingredients! The only words that should be coming out of your mouth right now should be "tall or grande?" Down to Starbucks on the double!

Tune in on Monday at 1:30 to watch the 2 top teams in the U21, US and Poland battle it out as we struggle to stay alive! Tensions are high and …okay, okay, I will get some more coffee! No, not the bat!

…

And there goes my other arm. Why’d I decide to intern here?


Last edited by Aradrad at 11/9/2012 2:37:45 PM

And there goes my other arm. Why’d I decide to intern here?

As long as you signed the liability waiver form I really couldn't care less what your motivation was. But if it's any help, if you look at the fine print the process for settling grievances with the coaching staff is at dawn with flintlock pistols at twenty paces. You can thank Coach "dead-eye" magiker for that option.

Well no one showed up to do a write up for the recap and so......being myself I volunteered doing the recap since magiker said this:

"Well, anyone who does the recap DOESN'T have to scoop tonight." So then I called up for it and here I am. Was spying on the Poland Guys through a heat conditioning vent (Man, it was so hot I had shorts and a t-shirt on rather than a think jacket and stuff) So then I hear them: "Well, USA is the best, but we know we are the best. All we have o do is put our best scorer on Huston, and he will foul away. We need to put our defenders on the good shooters. so what we'll do is, put F. Balak on him.And let em rip."

Well I got back about a minute before the time to set lineup and said, "Good job, but do better timing boy. Be like um.....5 minutes before" Then I seen my watch and well.........magiker forgot about the news and forgot to set his lineup. So then he ordered mofflaffle to go into the generator room and put out the lights. He shot and ka-boom All the power went out.

So now the game was delayed while on his laptop magiker put on the lineup. So now like an hour later the game started and well...........even with the valient effort mofflaffle did and me now about to get hypothermia from being in like 20 degree weather, USA lost to Poland 80-77.

"I know who to blame for this one" said coach magiker and he stared right now at PG Anthony Lucas."Scooping for you tonight!" And gave him a miniature scooper to make it worse for him. "Huston should've gotten more points. Lucas wasn't assisting. So now you pay the price." and then magiker took him to the back of the arena they played at and shot him in his shooting arm. "AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Lucas, wincing in menacing pain as blood gushed out and Donnie McDaniel fainted. Huston was like, "What the hell is this?" is confusion while Asst. Coach JL was hurrying to get the medics on Lucas. During that, I said to myself, "Rather get out before hearing magiker's rage of anger."

-------------------------------------------

In the USA, fans were devastated (http://media.commercialappeal.com/media/img/photos/2012/1...)

at the bar (http://www.blogcdn.com/www.aolnews.com/media/2010/07/7-9-...)


Even the President was shocked (http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/08/23/article-2192337...)

Everyone was in vain and shock of seeing the most dominant U21 Team, USA possibly go down such early. One fan said, "WHY!!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Fans were also rioting in such places as Seattle: (http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/0...)

and Houston (http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/0...)

AND MOST OF ALL NEW YORK (http://static3.businessinsider.com/image/508e90506bb3f736...)

Fans all over the US and North America were shocked for the horrible news, and this all leads back into Anthony Lucas.

Well good luck Lucas, you will be poop scooping in the dark without your good arm tonight........I'll try and sneak in to give you a bigger scooper but...........idk. Anyways this is tough reporting for the USA

Last edited by tough at 11/12/2012 9:44:31 PM

Team USA U21 should be ashamed. Bow your heads losers!

*Bows head*

We may not always win, but we do get the job done. We're still in this tournament, and speaking for the rest of the staff, I've already sacrificed an arm and...an...arm, whatever, to get us here! It's true, I may not get health benefits, or a computer, or a desk, or a salary, or...even plane tickets, but we here at the U21 staff will fight and continue to fight tooth and nail to represent the US. We stand together, we win together, or I'm interning somewhere else.

Wait, I thought you were going to use your love of Polish sausage and Robert Lewandowski to act as a double agent for this game? What happened?

I was, but then he said loser, and I knew that he meant me.

I may not get health benefits, or a computer, or a desk, or a salary, or...even plane tickets

It's not easy making things work on a limited budget. First, Magiker is very concerned about making sure he gets his 250% salary raises per season, and since he's in his fourth season that's naturally gotten a bit out of hand. And what he doesn't take, I embezzle *cough cough* I mean, re-appropriate for better use elsewhere. In any case, why would we buy you plane tickets when the second-hand bicycle from the charity was so much cheaper? It's good exercise for you, too (which incidentally reduces the need for health benefits).

Cheer up though! If you keep it up, next season you'll be in line for a double promotion to "U21 minion #2" (behind only moflaffle) and "whipping boy, fourth class", each of which comes with a 10% salary increase. But if you're still really worried and you can't wait until then, petition brian of King Drive Ballers (22817) for a donation to the U21 fund, I'm sure he has money to spare for a noble cause.

I may not get health benefits, or a computer, or a desk, or a salary, or...even plane tickets

It's not easy making things work on a limited budget. First, Magiker is very concerned about making sure he gets his 250% salary raises per season, and since he's in his fourth season that's naturally gotten a bit out of hand. And what he doesn't take, I embezzle *cough cough* I mean, re-appropriate for better use elsewhere. In any case, why would we buy you plane tickets when the second-hand bicycle from the charity was so much cheaper? It's good exercise for you, too (which incidentally reduces the need for health benefits).

Cheer up though! If you keep it up, next season you'll be in line for a double promotion to "U21 minion #2" (behind only moflaffle) and "whipping boy, fourth class", each of which comes with a 10% salary increase. But if you're still really worried and you can't wait until then, petition brian of King Drive Ballers (22817) for a donation to the U21 fund, I'm sure he has money to spare for a noble cause.

well what do you expect when he orders us to feed 67 hungry pitbulls? They get more hungry as the year goes by, I'm about just ready to bring a machine gun up in there and start killin em......tired of scooping.......ah another night of scooping, better shutup before I have to do more tonight (sighs)

This has got to be the most bizarre thread in awhile, but I've got to admit it's also pretty funny.