"You know, I probably shouldn't be doing this on Thanksgiving. I should be really celebrating at home with my family," was the thought going through my mind as I made my way toward the Serbian locker room.
"Magiker's really stating to rub off on me." But then another part of my mind asked in magiker's voice,
"Would you rather lose instead?" And of course the answer was no, so I said,
"you're right, screw it" and continued with my mission.
We have interns for this sort of thing, but could I really trust Aradad, fewmit, or moflaffle with the most important game of the season? I said yes, but magiker thought otherwise. Because obviously no one less than an assistant coach is qualified to sneak in and spike the other team's gatorade with *ahem* vitamin supplements. Yes, that's what they were. Don't judge us.
I expected this mission to go smoothly, but just in case, I had spent the evening before practicing and learning how to say, "It's not my fault; magiker made me do it" in Serbian until I was convinced that everyone would understand me. One of the key skills for a U21 coach or assistant coach is learning how to assign blame, so I was sure magiker wouldn't mind. In any case, he was planning to retire after the season, so why would he care what the Serbians thought of him?
Right, so back to the gatorade. I got into the Serbian locker room without a problem by disguising myself as this guy:
(27149802). It was a little bit of a stretch, because this player was very unskilled and unathletic, but he was the only player close to my height, so I had to go for it. Anyhow, when I told them I was a key part of the game plan to shut down Anthony Lucas (ha, ha) they ushered me right in. Just so you know, Serbians, gullible is written on the ceiling, too.
From there, it was a simple matter to slip the secret powder into the Serbians' gatorade cooler. But when I pulled out the packet, it didn't look quite right. (Because one little packet of plain white powder looks VERY different from another little packet of plain white powder). On a hunch, I tasted it. The idiot who had packaged it had put in powdered sugar! I was very angry at tough, but fortunately, I still had a reserve stash. Of course, now I was suspicious, so when I pulled out the second packet, I had to taste that too. It didn't taste like sugar, but I couldn't figure it out what it was until I started gagging and vomiting everywhere, and then I passed out.
...
I woke up three hours later, in a back room of the Serbian practice gym with 14 brawny serbian players and their head coach scowling menacingly at me. I immediately started screaming, "то није моја кривица, magiker су ме да урадим!" but they weren't quite buying it. So I had to go for option B. I offered them all a bribe, and being Serbians of course they accepted. So now I'm back on the streets, feeling rather queasy and significantly poorer (although it's magiker's money I'm spending). Fortunately, we seem to have narrowly averted a large PR crisis, but all in all, it was neither an enjoyable nor successful experience. The only question I have right now is,
"How am I supposed to go back and enjoy my turkey after this?"