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After a disappointing loss to Canada last week, Coco told me to break into the rooms of our national team players to make sure that they weren't doing anything stupid. I got on it, and I went into Nemesio Xermade's room first. He was passed out in the bathroom, shirtless except for a bra, and poop all over the wall. I decided to look in his room for any possible drugs that he must've done to be in the position that he was in, but instead I came upon his diary, and I decided to take a look in it out of curiosity. The first page had quite the story.

"so 1 day i wuz on a play grownd playin den da army cam wit tanks n sh*t den dey tuk me away to a bunkr so i had no clew were i wuz den dey askd me alot of queshtins about me braking alot of windos n f*cking gurls n sh*t den dey nocked me out den wen i wok up i was in a sement room wit a tolet so i tryed to escap so i went hed first therw da tolet. i nocked myself out. i almost drowned in da tolet. den da gaurd opend da dor so den i b*tch slaped him so hard his face fel of den he dyed. so i took his gun and yuniform den i stared shoting da f*ck out of peple n tryed to escape dis plase. den i fownd his valt dor i opend it den a bunch of playboy bunneis run out nakid and started touchin me. n der wuz alot of mony insyd. so i just livd der wit my playboys n mony. but den it got borin so i left and my adventur continus."

I left and just gave up all hope for Nemesio to be ready for the game. Next, I went into Alton Johnson's room. He was also passed out in the bathroom, this time with a speedo on and a "I <3 jfarb" shirt on. I looked for drugs, but like Nemesio, I only found his diary. Thinking that nothing could be as bad as what I just read, I read the first page of Johnson's diary.

"so i wus playin munopole wit ma homees wen i landed on da go to jale spot i rajed n through da bord at 1 of ma homees da bord hit his earlob n he died instintly ma oder homee rapd his ded bode but da ded bode had aids. so he died. wile he wus havin seezurs b4 deth i tryed to help him but he kiked my earlob n i died then this hors came in n tripd ovr a ded bode n landed on this nife on da grownd that cut its earlob killin da hors then this polees offiser came in to invecetegat but he accualy tuk da munopole bord home so he culd play but his hand got stuck on da dornob wile leavin and he dyed."

I was wrong, that was as bad as what I had just read. I was scared to look into anyone else's rooms, so I just let them do whatever. Now, it was time to sabotage Czech Republic's team, but my brain was too damaged after reading those diaries to think of a plan. Luckily, my cat named Hobs gave me some ideas, and I will use the idea that gets the most votes in the poll. Remember, you are directly determining the outcome of the game with your choice.

Tune in tomorrow at 1:30 ET to watch our national team play the Czech Republic.

Poll:  What should moflaffle do to the Czech Republic national team?

The results from the poll decided that I had to severely rustle their jimmies and also steal their toothbrushes, since they both tied in votes. I started by stealing their toothbrushes, which was easy and successful. To rustle their jimmies, I decided that I would force everyone into watching tape of USA chat from the past several seasons. It seemed like a masterful plan, but it wasn't masterful at all.

The problem with stealing their toothbrushes was that the poor hygiene of the Czech Republic players only caused our defense to play less aggressively, because the players wanted to stay away from them. The problem with showing them tape of USA chat was that some players could not understand English, and the ones that could understand it could not understand the USA chat level of English. Repeatedly hitting them with a spoon probably would've worked.

Instead, the Czech Republic beat us 108-96. Alton Johnson and Nemesio Xermade were the high scorers for us, so maybe all players should be passed out in their bathroom pre-game. Tune in next week to see us play against Ghana.

ok



if we blow our game against Ghana, is USA in trouble?

I would disagree with Ghana being tough. I know the skills of Nigeria and USA, and considering Nigeria played two close games with Ghana last year, I consider them pretty equal. I think USA should be able to easily beat a CT-TIE of Ghana, but I have seen stranger things happen.

I in fact hope you guys don't advance

You have a little ways to go on that whole conciliation thing.