When U21 coach magiker invited me last week to a genuine chupacabra hunt in Mexico I jumped at the opportunity! He totally had me with the opening line in the email “I’m only inviting the most select USA managers”. I grabbed my passport, blowgun, condoms, and bottled water and took the first flight out. Turned out to be a load of BS, as I was the only guy who didn’t see through this ruse to get someone to provide press coverage for the U21 America’s Tournament this season. But, since I’m here (and since magiker hid my passport), I’ll be doing what I can to report on the USA squad romping through a bunch of pussy nations you’ve barely heard of for the next few months.
First up last night was Paraguay, a country whose total population that can successfully shoot a free throw could easy fit into an Airbus. I ran into Paraguayan forward Arsenio Bauman in that hall before the game and was able to do a quick interview:
fewmit: So, tallest guy in your mud hut village?
Bauman: ¿Quién dejó esta asshat aquí?
fewmit: Yes, I would like meet your family someday. But first a quick quiz, can you locate the United States on this map?
He then pointed to Afghanistan and flipped me off. Sure hope he’s better at basketball than he is at geography! With there being a generally consensus on the opening day roster, the real suspense of the game was seeing who magiker would start at SF. Turns out, he didn’t really remember that such a position existed and played 3 guards in the game. Cost me 50 bucks in the press betting pool. Whatever. In the locker-room after the game I asked him why the hell he’s keeping me prisoner in a foreign land and costing me my beer money:
fewmit: Why the hell are you keeping me prisoner in a foreign land and costing me my beer money?
magiker: Well, I.....what the f.....aren’t you supposed to be doing real reporting? On the game?
fewmit: No ducking the questions, sir. This is for posterity.
magiker: Go interview a player before I clock you.
At that point I faked a hamstring cramp, yelled "media abuse!!!" for good measure and hopped way as fast as I could. As the coach kept glaring at me, I decided to have chat with SG Jonathon Yi. I found him sitting by himself staring at the plans for a 20 foot statue of Jimmy Brown that is scheduled to be erected in front of the U21 headquarters.
fewmit: Beautiful. Bronze brings out the humanity in his eyes.
Yi: You think I could measure up to him someday?
fewmit: Doubtful. He's 20 feet tall.
Yi: I mean the man, dipsheep. He's the standard by which all U21 guards will ever be compared to.
fewmit: Charles sure broke the mold when he made that one. What does the plaque say?
Yi "Downtown Jimmy Brown. 25% FG. World Champion, season 17."
fewmit: I bet with a huge effort you could go 26%. Try platform shoes...they'll make you taller.
Yi edged away from me at that point, no doubt in awe of my intellect.
So, not to keep y’all in suspense, USA won 106-75. Yi shot above 26%, there wasn’t a small forward to be seen, and apparently there were some Paraguayans involved. The most notable thing about the week was that the team was actually here, with NT coach GM-Jason not calling up the entire team wholesale. Tune in next Monday as team USA plays the Bahamas, the lowest ranked U21 squad in the world. Will we beat them by 100? 50 bucks says yes!
Last edited by fewmit at 11/15/2011 4:50:30 PM
Group hug!